11June

Where are we now?

Right now, it is enough

muddlesI generally reach this part of the Sadhana and it's all feeling pretty messed up and chaotic in my mind. And this is now happening, right on schedule. I always, conveniently forget that these sadhanas never happen in a vacuum. That the rest of my life is carrying on much as it every was except now we have new lockdown rules and potty training to contend with. There are moments when I want to chuck it all in and just do it another time.

Then I retold Saraswati's birth story. And I heard it as new.

She too was pulled in directions away from her practice, her dharma. She too had to find a way to stand her ground amongst the chaos she felt. And, right when she needed it, help rose up to meet her. Finally, she repaid this help and continues to repay this help.

Honestly, now I'm waiting for the cavalry. That moment when someone steps forward and up to support and protect. And then I remember that we are all the characters in the story and they are all part of our psyche. So, what does that mean to me right now in my hopeless phase.
That everything I need already resides within me. It is always a journey back. One of my all time favourite quotes which I come back to time and again (pun intended) is by TS Eliot:

"We shall not cease from exploration, and at the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time"

It means, right now, that I can give myself permission to go easy on myself. That it's ok not to have every answer, that my life is littered with a series of unfinished jobs and my mental load at times feels unbearable.

It's a reminder that we're already here. That we're already held. We may not see it in this moment but in the unseen is the seen. And sometimes that is enough.

Posted in Sadhana

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