Intuition, wisdom, creative... faith

Standing on the precipice, again

SaraswatiWhen I did my advanced teacher training a couple (ok 6) years ago I remember our teacher telling us how he’d driven himself around the bend to create it. In his words: a 200-hour TT is a bit like clearing a way through the forest, a 500-hour TT is like raising the forest to the ground. I know what he meant.

In a way.

In this way.

I’ve been organising my teaching practice around my own personal practice for around 3 years now. This means that when I rock up to teach what I’m offering is the guided tour through the area of the forest that I’ve been focused on that week.

It’s always been in the back of my mind to offer a deeper insight into the component parts of my sadhana as a way for my students to build their own practice and create a bridge between a weekly class and their own inner journey.

Then lockdown happened and the project got expedited. I’m now on the eve of my next 40-day journey with Saraswati and I feel like I so often do on these occasions. I feel like Arjuna as he looked across the battlefield at Kurushetra, not quite knowing what was to come next. I set everything up, put down my markers and always, always am amazed and in awe of where I get to go.

I figured this time I’d go with Saraswati. The deity I have most immediate affinity with, why make my life harder eh? Affinity because she’s kind of organised, disciplined and creative. The best parts of myself on a good day. I chose an image to accompany her, a rainbow soundwave, to represent her place in the musical realm and a sankalpa, intention to run alongside: where the world give us chaos, may we bring harmony. I figured that was a good start.

And then May happened.

My desire when I aligned with Saraswati was to bring some kind of clarity, some kind of structure to this new normal. Knowing that it wouldn’t be easy or clean at all. Knowing that I’d start with great gusto, lose momentum and watch as days ticked by and life took over.

I’m realising , this is the nature of these 40 day journeys. While it’s possible to cherry pick and present a week’s worth of contemplation in one-hour chunks. Pulling out all of those trees is hard, but more than that, it’s revealing. It lays everything bear. Things cannot be perfect. Insights come and go, are plucked from my mind as I attempt to home school, break up fights and beat down my general frustration which comes with being stuck inside with two small people and one slightly larger person all the live long day.

I return again to the greatest teaching I have received from yoga, well, yoga and Frozen: Let it go. There is freedom in imperfection, there is insight in letting shards of light shine through.

So, I’d take the forest analogy one step further. It’s a bit like hacking down the forest, logging the trees and turning them into paper. Whilst making sure nobody gets hurt in the process.

Essentially, impossible. It is what it is. We move from there.

Posted in Sadhana

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